UBERtriever
The UBERtriever also saw hope where there was none. I now see the difference between a wish and hope. A wish having no factual base for belief, whereas a hope has some basis in facts. Hope has something concrete to hope on. A wish is just a fantasy. I now see the difference whereas before I didn't... again, that wretched UBERtriever.
In truth, with my ex, I was wishing that there was a deeper person that would be accessible, to herself and to me. But there was nothing in the current or even her past relationships to warrant that belief. It was a wish, a fantasy. The "hope" for something deeper, kept me from being repulsed, but it was not a hope, it was indeed just a fanciful wish.
Oh yes... and green eyes.
Written by a friend of mine.
This is about some of the insights gained by my friend, from the pain of a failed relationship.
Oh yes... and green eyes. My ideal woman.
Well, that of course is on my "it would be nice" list and not my "must have" list.
Yes, in the past someone's inability to open up has not stopped me from pursuing a relationship with them, if I have thought that they might have the ability to develop that openness. That, combined with other attractive traits has kept me from running like the wind.
I remember the first few dates with my ex were a bit perplexing (yeah, and I should have run like the wind). You must remember that I am an optimist/glass half full kind of guy too, along with the golden retriever personality trait.
It was almost painful, getting anything out of my ex beyond her name on the first date.
She didn't volunteer anything, but I had to ask questions to get anything and the conversation stopped if I stopped asking questions (yes... should have run).
- She seemed athletic and fit (attractive).
- She liked the outdoors and nature (attractive).
- She walked with energy (attractive).
- She had made me cookies (that seemed attractive at the time).
- She and her family went to church (attractive).
- She liked animals (or so it seemed at the time... attractive).
- Seemed to have similar values and views on life (attractive).
- She was thrifty (attractive).
- She seemed to have a good sense of humor (attractive).
It was like coming across a beautifully wrapped package and not being able to open it up to see what was inside. I wanted to know where this package came from. What was beneath the outer attractive wrappings. The things I discovered (or thought I had) about her outside encouraged me to hang in a bit longer to see if I could discover where this package came from and what it was about. My UBER golden retriever had kicked in. I am still a golden retriever, but I have murdered the UBER part. It was a horrible death... lots of blood, guts, wailing and sobbing. Really pathetic I'll tell ya. But I believe the UBER is gone. I can care ABOUT someone, without having to care FOR someone.
I had a conversation with a friend a couple of years ago about the "Knight in shining armor" syndrome. The book we were going through was stating that that syndrome is part of what real men were about. I told him that at least for me, that desire and need to rescue the fair damsel was an unhealthy thing, not a mark of a "real" man. (We were going through the "Wild at heart Field Manual"). Not something to be nurtured and encouraged, but something to face, resist and grow away from.
Developing the ability to give up on someone relates to the death of UBER. It involves not taking it upon myself to draw someone out, but letting them take responsibility for opening up instead of me being responsible for it. Not letting myself go the UBERtriever rescuing patrol syndrome. (URPS)
I am committed not to URP anymore. I can see the end that becomes of URPing. URP is not a pretty sight.
I can do what Dr. Cloud said in his "9 things you simply must do to be successful in love and life" book... run the "movie" forward and see the ending. If I don't like how the movie must end... I think I can walk out at the beginning... or hopefully, just stop at the box office and pick another movie.. or just take a walk alone. I'm good with that too.
UBERtriever
The UBERtriever also saw hope where there was none. I now see the difference between a wish and hope. A wish having no factual base for belief, whereas a hope has some basis in facts. Hope has something concrete to hope on. A wish is just a fantasy. I now see the difference whereas before I didn't... again, that wretched UBERtriever.
In truth, with my ex, I was wishing that there was a deeper person that would be accessible, to herself and to me. But there was nothing in the current or even her past relationships to warrant that belief. It was a wish, a fantasy. The "hope" for something deeper, kept me from being repulsed, but it was not a hope, it was indeed just a fanciful wish.