Counting the Cost.
It Will Be Repaid.

Where Do I File this Bill?

This is embarrassing...

Not only is it embarrassing but when I have to face God (Romans 14:10) I am sure I will have to answer for this struggle I have had. As I have been trying to come to terms with the cost of our missionary adventure I have a picture in my mind of the problem. It is like I am in a tunnel and God is at the other end of the tunnel and the world's largest ball of rubberbands is blocking the tunnel. I can't get to God and He can't get to me, until the rubberband ball is moved. That ball represents the cost of our time on the mission field. That ball, the cost of our missions experience is coming between God and me.

One thing I know for sure, God is not going to remove the ball. It has been four years now, He is not budging. He is still standing there waiting for me to do something. It has taken four years for me to realize it is up to me to move the ball. I have to come to terms with the cost. God will not move the ball, I have to.

But where do I put it?

I am analytical, I need to know the "whys" and "hows" of life. In this case I have decided that the cost of our missionary adventure was worth it. But the matter is not solved in my mind yet. (I suspect it will take three more years to really be comfortable with this) Along with the giant rubberband ball illustration, I have another picture of it. It is like I have an invoice, a bill, sitting on my desk. I have to decide which file to put it in.

But where do I put it?

Real-life bills are pretty easy, my file system is not very efficient but very easy. I put bills in either the deductible folder or the non-deductible folder. In the case of this problem of where to file this "bill", the choice is that simple. The cost, the price of our missionary adventure, either goes into a folder I will call "Sacrifice for God" or a folder called "Eastern European Vacation".

I should probably explain. During our seven years on the mission field God never provided enough money for us to live on. So we used up our savings. At the end of seven years we were at the point where financially we had to come back to the states (although there were other factors involved in our decision also). Sometime during that seven years, I don't remember when, I totaled up how much this decision was going to cost. Of course I was hoping that God would restore it, but I calculated the dollar amount. So I know the financial cost of the decision to go on the mission field.

So if that cost was in the form of a bill that was sitting on my desk, I need to know where to put it.

But, where do I put it?

Was it a Sacrifice for God?

I can live with that. God has totally blessed me, and He means that much to me. I can live with thinking of this as a sacrifice to God. But if it was, I need to believe it did some good. Did the time I spend on the mission field "accomplish" something? Was the cost given for something that actually makes a difference? Did I bring something to God through my service that only I could bring?

The answer to all three of those questions is no. I was support staff, and in retrospect, through prayer, I can see I didn't actually "accomplish" anything. The ministry has not been improved or changed because of my seven years of work there. I didn't "build" anything new, there is nothing there that would not have been there had someone else filled my role. That is not to ignore the lives that were touched by my presence there. There were several people that I so enjoyed being able to counsel and encourage. That was a real joy.

But my time on the mission field didn't actually accomplish anything tangible. It's not like I started a church or ministry, I didn't train up pastors, I didn't do any work that you could say directly changed people's lives. I wasn't a pastor. My role was strictly supportive. I know that sounds pathetic, but it is not. As I prayed and struggled through the above God did show me that my time on the mission field was not some great sacrifice I did to "help" God. It was not a time of "improving" or "creating" a ministry. God did show me what He allowed me to do.

File it in "Vacation"

This huge price we paid, the "bill" for that time, it goes into a file called "Vacation". This agonizing struggle over the cost led to a lot of prayer and God showed me, reminded me, what He did for me. I went on the mission field at a time in my life when I was longing to do full-time work for the Lord. It was like a fire inside me. I had lost the opportunity to continue doing the DivorceCare ministry that my friend Craig and I were doing because my job had transferred me away from the area. So after three years of doing ministry I was no longer able to do any ministry at all and it was killing me.

So God gave me the opportunity to serve Him. The price was high, but I'll never forget that first day of serving him at my new ministry. That burning desire inside of me was satisfied, I could almost physically feel it.

Even though I brought lots of experience and wisdom to the mission field, God chose to use none of it. I didn't create anything new, I didn't personally bring anything to the ministry that I was specifically suited for. God allowed me to fill a position.

It is more like He had a job opening and He let me fill it. No fame, no glory, no sense of accomplishment, just a job serving Him. It was very exciting and fulfilling working for the Lord, it was quite an adventure. But I am the only one that benefited. I didn't "do something" for God other than fill a role, fill a job opening.

So this "bill" is for the time spent getting to do what I wanted to do. Just like a vacation.